I knew this moment would come… and i've been preparing myself for it… but I didn’t imagine – not even in the wildest dreams -  that it would touch me like it did. My ex partner of 6 years moved out of “our” apartment… she just left. And took almost all the history we’ve been creating with her, to her new flat. Weird moment. The room that used to be our living room is now just a room, with empty white walls. The dust she left behind is still there…  

On the other hand its kinda nice. The last chapter of the great book of “Maja being married” is coming to the end and the it will be but in stock… now I can start making room for new people coming into my life and especially the room for her, the one that’s breathing next to me every night and gives me the cutest “good morning” look with her hazel eyes…

I moved in my flat three years ago and never had a proper housewarming party. And since every excuse is good enough to spend some quality time with friends this weekend turned into proper wineing and dinning “three years too late” housewarming party. A friend of mine is a chef and if theres anyone (but the fatties) she knows good food.

We started from scratch and spent Saturday morning in the supermarket getting all the fresh goodies we needed for super classy dinner the chef was about to prepare. Anja, Andreja and me had our share of fun while Mia was looking for the perfect broccoli and the right sized carrots. The cooking started with some marinating, peeling, boiling and opening a bottle of wine. My kitchen never got so much action… and with four hot chicks in it was almost raped… the kitchen that is :)

My dear sister and her lovely boyfriend joined us later on and the wineing and dinning began… mostly wineing for Anja and me. Here are some pics of the FAB food we made, just to make you dead jealous :)

The food part ended with the statement of my sister’s boyfriend saying:” My compliments to the chef!” Enough said!

It was gin&tonic and some girly chat on the agenda later on and I have to say I didn’t have so much fun in a looooong time. Having wine and chocolate mousse with 3 fine ladies was pure joy for me. Lovely evening for 4 ended with sweet morning for 2 and now I’m off to finish what’s left from the dinner. Yummy!    

A friend of mine got this cool idea and she made a project out of it… shes making posters for people or organizations to download and use those posters to question society about our norms and try to make LGBTs rights as important as any other rights.  

She made one in Slovenian too! Gotta love her!

Heres the link and you can check what a super cool job shes doing!

http://www.wedodoyou.blogspot.com/

She says: ''It should not be human rights anymore, it should be a matter of course.'' And i agree!
Go Gisela!

THE LETTER A:
Are you available?: always
What is your age?: 23
What annoys you?: assumptions, stupid people, ignorance

THE LETTER B:
Do you live in a big house?: nope, not anymore
When is your birthday?: Oct 31
Who is your best friend(s)?: simon, my sister, Tanja

THE LETTER C:
What's your favorite candy?: im not really into candy
Who's your crush?: what am I, 16? 
When was the last time you cried?: cant remember

THE LETTER D:
Do you daydream?: yes
Do you like dogs?: just a few lucky ones
What day of the week is it?: Sunday - I had to think about it tho

THE LETTER E:
How do you like your eggs?: fertilized, haha!
Have you ever been in the emergency room?: yes
Do you have both your ears pierced?: nope

THE LETTER F:
Have you ever flown in a plane: yes
Do you use fly swatters?: mhm
Have you ever used a foghorn?: no

THE LETTER G:
Do you chew gum?: most of the time
Are you a giver or a taker?: hmmm, depends… both
Do you like gummy candies?: not really, sometimes tho

THE LETTER H:
How are you?: good
What color is your hair?: purple
Are you at home?: yep

THE LETTER I:
What's your favorite ice cream?: dont have one
Do you play an instrument?: used to play a little guitar, but I suck now
Do you consider yourself intelligent?: sometimes

THE LETTER J:
What's your favorite jelly bean?: the black ones, yuck
Do you wear jewelry?: yeah, not much tho

THE LETTER K:
Do you want kids?: im not sure, maybe some day
Where did you go for kindergarten?: lol, ask my mom!

THE LETTER L:
Are you a liar?: definitely maybe
When was the last time you said love?: yesterday morning
Does someone like you?: hopefully more than just one person!!!

THE LETTER M:
Do you still watch Disney movies?: does Pixar counts?
Do you want to get married?: someday maybe
Do you ride motorcycles?: nope, but i want to

THE LETTER N:
Do you ever say never?: yep, but can never succeed at it
What’s your favorite number?: 13
Do you prefer night over day?: both are ok, hate mornings tho

THE LETTER O:
What’s your one wish?: a day in a life of someone else
Are you an only child?: no, 2 stepsisters and hopefully a brother on the way
Do you like the ocean?: dont really have a deep connection with it

THE LETTER P:
What’s one fear you are most paranoid about?: there are many
Do you take a lot of pictures?: constantly
Personality trait(s) you look for in people? fun, asertive, accepting, ...

THE LETTER Q:
Ever had your oil changed at the quick stop?: nope

THE LETTER R:
Do you read?: ofcourse i do, what a question :P love it, but don't nearly as much as I used to

You watch reality TV? If its really interesting or really really stupid
Are you one to cry? No, I don’t think so

THE LETTER S:
Do you like snow?: fucking love it

What's your favorite season?: winter

THE LETTER T:
What time is it: 17.44 pm
What time did you wake up: 10ish
When was the last time you slept in a tent: in August on Legebitras summer camp

THE LETTER U:
Are you wearing underwear?: Yes
Underwear or boxers?: right now? boy briefs
What's under your bed?: dust, books and the cat sometimes

THE LETTER V:
What’s the worst veggie?: cauliflower, the only veggie I don't eat
Where do you want to go on vacation?: ireland, scotland, norway, lebanon, all of europe really, new york, …

THE LETTER W:
What's your worst habit?: smoking

Where do you live?: in the most beautiful city ever, Ljubljana
Have you ever smoked weed?: who the hell hasn't?

THE LETTER X:
Have you ever had an x-ray?: yep
Do you listen to xhibit? don't even know who that is
Have you ever watched something x-rated?: cant remember

THE LETTER Y:
Do you like the color yellow?: yes
What’s one thing you yearn for?: adrenalin, excitement, good times
Have you ever used yarn for anything?: no, but I can think of some interesting activities

THE LETTER Z:
What’s your zodiac sign?: scorpio
Do you believe in the zodiac?: depends on what it sais!
Favorite zoo animal?: anything that’s fat and furry and small… or big, but not too big

2008 for me started in a very weird way… celebrating New Years Eve with my 70something year’s old neighbor and her friends (…don’t ask me how we ended up there!), but it was fun. Old ladies get unbelievably fun when they drink too much and so do I, but that another story and now is not the time or the place for that one.

In January I went to Oslo, Norway to LLH and IGLYO conference about some schools stuff and there I’ve meet three people I haven’t seen in a long time, three really special guys – Vladimir, Christian and Bogdan… it was pure joy seeing them, hugging them and chatting about what happened in the time that passed. I also forgot my phone charger in the hotel and its in Belgrade now… just one of the stupid things I’ve done in 08.

February was the month that tested my nerves, leading skills, logistical and social competences… I’ve figured out that I can totally pull it off with just 3 hours of sleep and 8 Wiki Waki Woos later I can still stand and do a workshop. It was time for the seminar Klaire and me were busting our arses since September 07 and in the end of February it finally happened. Young people from Scotland, Italy, Norway and Slovenia occupied the streets (and conference room) of Ljubljana and together we made few steps closer to a better life for gay youth in schools. I will never forget what happens if u take Norwegians, the Scots and sexy Italians to the cocktail bar… priceless! The pics of that night will be forever guarded by 4 big sexy ladies trained to kill!

The Schools For All! seminar ended on Saturday and on Sunday morning I was already in Bohinj to do on-arrival training for EVS volunteers coming to Slovenia to work on their projects… Got home a week later and the amount of time spent with my lover was… 4 days and one night. I had to make up for that one :P Crazy month I tell ya!

Like February was not stressful and hectic enough, the beginning of March was all about ILGA Europe conference about LGBT families… again test of my limits. And talking about families, one of 08s top 10 was birth of someone very special, little Nik! My best friend Tanja became a mommy on the first day of Ilga conference and I’m still saving the txt messages she was sending me from the delivery room. I went to see both of them the next day and I was the first one (well, technically the daddy was the first) to see the little pumpkin. Priceless moment that made me shows my soft side.

After the ILGA E conference Legebitra had its traditional winter camp, and the topic was… guess!? LGBT families! I got a total new perspective about LGBTs and the right to have a family. I realized at that time that straight people own the right to have families and us, fags and dykes, just play along and let so much be taken away from us. The right to have a family belongs to the people; I’m a human so therefore it belongs to me too! And I will never let that be taken away from me, never again.

April continued the fast pace of life and one sunny morning I woke up in Budapest on Council of Europe training on gender based violence. Some strong feelings were challenged there and I’ve meet realities so far away from mine that it was hard for me to sleep and breathe but the thinking never stopped. I’m incredibly thankful for that week; it changed so much in my life.

I didn’t go home from Budapest, that would be just too simple… on the same day as the training ended another prep meeting started and I had to fly to Berlin this time. I was chosen to be part of the prep team for IGLYOs conference “Empower thy peers” that happened in June. I’ve seen Ruben there, the funny Swiss guy I’ve met in Strasbourg long time ago and I was about to see Bogdan too, but he couldn’t attend the meeting. I’ve met Ilke there and of course Lucy, lovely Lucy too. After the meeting in Berlin I didn’t go home, that would be just so not like me… I flown to Munich and took few days off with my wife. It was part of making up for all the time I couldn’t be with her in the past months. And yes, after Munich I ended up in Ljubljana eventually. April was also the month I stared with my fab blog :P

What happened in May? Have no clue... Oh, wait… I know! It was the first Living library in 08 and I was working on another EVS training, mid term this time. I was scared shitless coz it was my first Living library in the role of one of the organizers.

Another big thing happened in May… I was on TV with the wife talking about LGBT families, about us having a child, about the discrimination, homophobia and fear LGBT families that already exist in our little Slovenia face. My grandpa saw the talk show and the drama that continued for the whole summer started. He made my granny’s, my moms, mine… the whole families life a living hell. I couldn’t sleep, I was prohibited having contact with my granny, my mom was going trough some difficult issues… It wasn’t nice and it’s still isn’t, he’s the same asshole still. Other than that not much exciting things happening in May… It was the moment to take a deep breath coz it was time for Ljubljana Pride in June.

I wasn’t able to attend Ljubljana Pride this year coz I was having great time in Berlin on the IGLYO conference and had to attend Berlin Pride. There’s no point in rewriting the things I already wrote about Berlin… I will just say the time spent there will always be special for me, just like some people I’ve shared it with. And I’d put it in 2008s top 10 for sure!

Berlin also drew dividing line between work and my personal life. The first six months were mainly concentrated on work, work and more work and after Berlin my life turned upside down. I started paying more attention on relationships with people, especially with one particular person, my lover. I also made a new friend after Berlin, not really new… I knew her for some time but after Berlin our friendship got deeper, we came closer and she become really important for me. We spent almost all the summer together, talking and crying and dancing in the darkroom…

July was nothing special; Legebitra had Summer camp in August in the actual tents for the first time with the real camp fire. It was just lovely and again it proved how old people can’t handle as much booze as us, youngsters. It was once again time I’ve spent working on close relationships, especially with Vasko (my soul mate, haha :) and Barbara (the one I will marry if we’re both still single at 30 :) Funny summer, that’s all I can say…

But on the other hand things were happening inside me, tectonic movements just waiting to explode. I got some space to breathe in September when I took two whole weeks off work and went to the sea side with the wife. If I knew at the time that was our last summer I’d put more effort into it.
Oh and FAB Madonna! We went to see Madonna live in Vienna! Another 08s top 10!

In October I started my studies again… if only I knew what I got myself into! After two years of Slovene language and literature I discovered political science. New faculty, new system and new people… lost of changes.

October was again time for me to do a bit of traveling and so I went to Belgium for a prep meeting for “Different in a different world” project. It was fun! I’ve seen Rebecca again after four months and got the chance to make some fat jokes on the Fattie… great times! It was kinda spending the last good times before the weeks of bad feelings, emotional torture, strong words… 

Few days after I got home from the meeting Petra and I broke up. It wasn’t easy, hell no! But it was one of the most honest things I did in a long time, hence I’d put it as 08s top 10 too. Completely new life started for me and for her too… don’t think we got over each other yet but its getting easier… I guess it was just not ment to be. I was surprised how other people were dealing with the fact that we were no longer together… some said they could see it coming, others were even more depressed then we were. Funny. Or not really if u think about it.

Beside the breakup I did some other crazy and stupid things… started drinking a wee bit too much and hoping the problems would drown in gin, got involved in some strange drama, started smoking again… some serious shit… and I failed my first exam. My birthday was nice tho… at least the part I can remember and the fact I was surrounded with people I care about. Nice feeling after loosing someone I loved.

November was great tho! I slowly started adjusting to single life like cooking for one, shopping for one, being with myself and not hate it too much… sleeping in the bed alone is still a struggle tho. But hey, that’s life, right?

In November I did some more traveling, it was the time to get the old van rolling on the Belgian roads. This was another great week with some of my favorite internationals, but I wrote about that already so I’ll spare u now :P I’ll just say Thank you! one more time for that Saturday night aggressive exchange of arguments. It pulled my head out of the clouds and crushed me down to earth… just hope that at some point u will start caring again...

And now its December, the sweetest month of the year. The month when everybody suddenly turns nice and enjoys holiday spirit. The month of xmas parties, little gifts and never-ending socializing. There are still some things on my to-do list and after that I will relax and enjoy glitter, little lights and hot wine with the ones I love the most.

Drawing the line under 2008 I dare to say it was a great year. I experienced and learned so much! Got to know many interesting people, I probably forgot to mention all of them. I’ve renewed some relations that are really important to me and meet few people that really influenced my life and I will keep them in my heart for ever – you know who you are! And I’ve meet some fu*king full of shit assholes that made me respect myself – you damn know who you are!!

I am grateful for all the constructive debates, successful projects, mind blowing parties, hours alone at the airports, pointless giggles with my sweeties… all those little moments that made this year so special.

But I am most grateful for all the hard times I’ve had, for all the fights, for all the times the tears came into my eyes, for all the moments I thought I can’t do something – that its too hard or to big for me, for all the struggles… those moments made me stronger! Those moments crushed me, but at the same time they gave me the strength and the confidence to go on. Those fucked up moments make me who I am and teach me how to cope with life when it’s not all about fun and games… and these moments make me cherish the notsofuckedup moments.  

I’d like to finish this post with a quote of a true lady…

“So as you can see, I've found my happy ending at last. And I truly believe that happiness is possible, even when you /… / have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.«

Bridgit Jones

I had a meeting today about Legebitras Christmas party and since my time management is lately pretty fucked I was an hour early. I decided to take a walk on Christmassy streets of Ljubljana. The sweet smell of cinnamon, almonds and sugar was on every step I made. The distinctive scent of baked chestnuts and hot wine tempted me to warm up my frozen fingers. It didn’t take me long to notice loads of couples in love, kissing and holding hands and enjoying this festive season. Have to admit that at one point I wished for some shots of insulin! Thousands of little happy lights are on every possible building or tree and the wonderful Ljubljana castle looks very gay with its raibowish colors.

I noticed people buying cute little gifts, probably for their loved ones… and at that moment I thought about what can I give to the people… what can I offer to the ones I care about? The world around me disappeared for a second and I got myself in a dark, cold and empty place. To make those weird, gloomy thoughts go as far away as possible I thought about what I want for Xmas this year. I was surprised by myself… I have no wishes. Zero. I have all I want. I have a flat that’s all mine. I have cute little cat that amuses me and keeps me warm in cold December nights. I have a job that challenges me and develops my competences. I have friends, those special people I care about so much and they care about me.

But then something clicked in my mind… there is something I want! There is something I wish more than anything on the world. I want to spend more time with ma family… with my parents and my little sister. There were times I couldn’t stand my parents; they annoyed me just with their presence. And there were times when I couldn’t even take a look at my sister. But I have to admit I wasn’t really the nicest person to hang out with back then too. All these strange relationships made me run away from home and try to find happiness on my own. And I think I did it pretty damn well. And now, after all these years, after all the honest words being said and after big test of love… we feel so comfortable next to each other. Now it’s the easiest and the most relaxing thing to chat with my lil’ sissy. There’s no bigger joy then when all four of us sit at the table and simply talk, make jokes and plan our family trip just for four of us. This xmas I want to get back all that was lost in the previous years…

1.Spell your name without an E,R,S,H,K,I,M,L,C,A,Y,N:
J

2.Are you single?
Yes

3.What is your favorite number?
13

4.What is your favorite color?
Rainbow

5. Least favorite color?
Neon anything

6.What are you listening to? 
Britney

7.Are you happy with your life right now?
Im not complaining

8.Are you involved with anyone?
No

9.What is your favorite subject in school/ college?
International relations

10.Do you shop at Abercrombie?
No.

11. Do you have money?
I have some

12.Would you take an ex back?
No

14.Are you gay?
Yes

15.Where do you wish you were right now?
Home in my bed

16.What should you be doing right now?
Writing a report

THE CANS:
Can you blow a bubble? Yes
can you do a cart wheel? Yes
Can you touch your toes? Yes
Can you wiggle your ears? No
Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No

THE DIDS:
Did you ever want to be a doctor? No
Did you ever want to be a fire fighter? Yes
Did you ever want to be a teacher? Yes
Did you ever break the law? yes

THE DOs:
Do you like rollercoasters? Yes
Do you own a bike? Yes
Do you play the lotto? No
Do you like football? Yes
Do you have a shopping addiction? Yey, I am a chick

THE DOES:
Does your family have family picnics? Not really
Does you wallet have any pics in it? Yes

THE LASTS:
Last person you hung out with? Anja
Last car ride? Last night, going home from the library
Last text message? Janja
Last baby you held? Nik

LAST THING?
What was the last thing you bought? Cigarettes
What was the last thing you had to drink? Water
What was the last thing you watched? Prison break
What was the last thing you read? Oow, school books
What was the last thing you hand wrote? Some stupid tax forms

THE WHOS:
Who last talked to you on the phone? Jasna
Who was the last person you took a picture of? Rebecca
Last person to leave you a comment? Simon
Who do you miss right now? No one
Who last hugged you? Anja
Who last IM'd you? dunno

CURRENTLY:
What color shirt are you wearing? Red
Have any tattoos? 4
Have you any piercings? Ears, lip, nipple
Straight hair or curly? Straight
Where are you? Office

HAVE YOU EVER:
Failed a class? Yes
Confessed your love and been turned down? Yes
Accomplished a life goal? Nope
Thought you were pregnant? Yes
Sang in front of a crowd? Oh yeah

SIX THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:
1. bed
2. Laundry on the floor
3. Books
4. My laptop
5. Toys
6. Kleenex

THREE RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:
1. In a relationship? No
2.Want a relationship? No
3.Wanna get married? Someday maybe

FOUR THINGS ON YOUR MIND:
1. should stop doing that
2. Should continue on my report
3. No emails today? Niiice!
4. Its party night tomorrow

The way to win your heart?
Funny, be fun, don't get embarrassed, give as good as you get

When was the last time you really laughed?
Saturday

What are you like when you're drunk?
Hyper and noisy and funny

Do you drink milk straight from the carton?
Yes, sometimes

Who knows a big secret about you?
My sister probably, Simon and Anja

How long is your hair?
Short

Who was the last person who told you they loved you? 
Hmm, good question

When was the last time you sang out loud?
Friday or Saturday, dunno

What did you have for breakfast? 
Too late to breakfast today

Is your birthday on a holiday?
Yup

What instant messaging service do you use? 
Msn, Google talk and my phone

Are you signed on it right now and if so, who are you talking to?
Yes, no one

Can you cook?
Great cook

Did you have a nap today?
No

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
Jeans

When is your birthday?
Oct 31

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Nike shop

Do you have any regrets?
Yep

Do you use an alarm clock?
Sure

Where was your default Face book picture taken?
Near the house of my ex

Whats the first thing you notice of the opposite sex?
Don’t really notice them if im honest

What color is your favorite shoe?
Black

Who would you like to see right now?
My grandma

Who was the last person to call you?
My grandma

Are you a social or antisocial person?
Both really

Do you have a tan?
No

Would you rather sleep in the bed with someone, or alone??
Depends, lately with someone

Are you afraid of the dark?
No

Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
No

Did you miss someone today?
Yes

What’s your favorite commercial at the moment?
Don’t watch commercials

Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes

Who was the last person to disappoint you?
Myself

You know what you want to do with your life?
Not really, im open to wherever life takes me

How is life going for you right now?
It’s cool

Do you like American Idol?
LoL, nope

What was the last reason you cried?
Self reflection and saying goodbye

How do you feel about piercings and tattoos?
Love tattoos, love piercings

Do you believe that what comes around goes around?
Yep

What is your favorite fruit?
Anything in season and fresh

Does anyone love you?
Hope so, my mom for sure

Is your best friend pretty?
Sure

Where is one place you want to visit?
Hmm, so many of them, so little time

Have you ever crawled through a window?
Lots

Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night

Are you a forgiving person?
Hmm, depends

What are you listening to right now?
Still Britney...

Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
I wish!

Who was the last person to smoke a cig in your presence?
Anja and Lize

Are you taller than 5'6?
No

Are you single or taken, if so by who?
still single ;)

Haha, that was fun! I love stupid things like that :P
 

Oh, what a day Sunday was! And it was getting better and better! And i think i even broke the record in annoying myself. After spending 14 hours at the airport in the snow storm i was almost ready for anything… It all started with one little sweet voice saying “Dear passengers, the flight to Rome has been cancelled!” It continued with the entertaining news form Norway and many international calls and txts. To make things interesting my bra decided to break, flight ticket and ticketingdesk lady wanted to play hide&seak, my phone wasn’t really into cooperating and at one point I decided to fuck it all and go for a coffee and hope for the best. One peach-raspberry low fat muffing later (that I couldn’t even finish btw, coz I was so totally stressed) things turned better… I guess all that was needed was a cute little muffin. Thank god for Starbucks! And while my flight was just 2 hours delayed I finally finished the paper that I was struggling to write all week long. But all this airport crap seems like a perfect conclusion to one of the most challenging weeks in a long time.

So, the week started on Sunday night when we discovered that things that made perfect sense on the prep meeting made no sense at all when we were suppose to use them in real life and test them on real students. But somehow we came up with a few ideas and survived the first day in schools. Barely tho! The question about fucking donkeys is not really my idea of starting a week. But hey, at least we got the feeling what to expect from Belgian youth. We visited about 8 schools, reached out to over 300 high school students and drove all over Flanders. To do all this good work we had to repeat the same workshop for 6 times a day every day, watch the same clips over and over again every day and explaining to stupid teachers that Slovenia is not the capitol of Estonia and that Estonia is an actual country. And of course drinking countless beers, just to keep us sane :)Some schools were better than others. Some students seemed less dumb than others. Some sandwiches were better than others, no mayonnaise right? Some days were better than others… all in all I can say that this experience gave me the opportunity to reflect upon my time in elementary and high school. Many times I caught myself back in time when I was being such an idiot and making school years painful for some of my classmates. And knowing I did those things just to hide my big gay secret makes me sick and worried. I can't forget the guy from Friday morning school. Looking me in the eyes and openly saying I’m killing myself by choosing to be gay. This sentence got me in a weird debate that had no ending, just causing painful conversation that shouldn’t happen at the first place. And the most important… this week and people that I was surrounded by gave me the opportunity to reflect upon myself. I’ve been faced with lots of things that were not pleasant to face with, the things I didn’t really wanted to hear and see and admit. But they were there, out in the open for me to chew and choke on.      

Leaving the work aside this week was again a week of happiness, tears, FAT jokes, laughter and of course food. We must not forget the food!!! The amazing food that made me wanting to marry one of the Jaspers Sisters just to have Mr. M. cooking for me. And not so good (actually really bad) Lebanese soup that made me wanna visit Lebanon just to show them how to make a proper soup. Kidding! Lebanese food is actually really great, tasty and with forks the pleasure is even doubled.

I am happy to notice that after months since Berlin we were still totally comfy in each others company. Most of the times that is. We were sharing all those stupid things like poo time (…well not really funny if u think about the amount of food we had…), burping names and waiting in the underwear to get to the bathroom in the morning.

After coming home from Berlin seeds were planted in my heart, and I said I’ll see what will grow out of it… I see it now. It has sharp thorns and its not easy, it hurts even, to get to the flower... but when I see the flower,  its one of the most blooming flowers I’ve seen. It just takes a bit more effort and time to grow.

the big gay "bus"

                                                                 lovely Lucie, a life saver

hard working people


fat people demanding the right to pee                   when karaoke night goes bad :P

Great project, great team and great week, that’s what I’ll say!

Here I am… in lovely Belgium… again. The Caravan project reached its orgasm and it's gonna last for a week. After not that good of a start yesterday we went to visit Belgian schools today… and that wasn’t really… well, it was challenging, I’ll be politically correct. After having the same workshop six times in a row and watching the same video clips for zillion times I was going mental!!! It took quite some beer to get me back on track. After dinner it was time to work some more and now I feel like I’d rather hit my head against the wall that check my emails again!!! But there’s at least one good thing in all these mess… the holy threesome is together again and all we need to do is get in our best working shape and this project will be a huge success… and if not… its gonna be the best week of my life – AGAIN! I’ll go and have another beer and I’ll update you with pics and more info tomorrow.  


Dršte s jih!!!!!!

It’s been a week now. 8 days. I’m getting so tired and it’s getting visible to the world. Instead of a ''Good morning!'' I get… ''You look terrible. What’s up with the bags under your eyes?'' Who am I kidding? Who am I lying to? I’m not a Supergirl… I’m not tough… The truth is that I'm loosing it. Loosing it all. I lost relationship of 5, almost 6 years. I lost myself long time ago. I feel like I’m loosing my good friend. I’m loosing control over my life. I’m breaking. Feel dead for long time. Sometimes I wanna cut myself just to see if I can still feel the pain. If the blood is still warm.

My soul is not breathing anymore. I don’t really feel the need to breathe anyways. I don’t deserve the air. I started smoking again, it’s the only way to kill myself. I tried it once, long time ago. The path of pain, dark jellyish blood, vomiting. I still blame myself not to do it right back then. I knew I couldn’t die, even tho I can still remember the smell of slaughterhouse I’ve created. Now, after all this time, I’m afraid to do it again, coz I know the feeling… coz I’m a pussy, that’s what I’d like to think… tomorrow’s a new day. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this and I really don’t wanna be aware that life doesn’t need a reason.
The morning is stealing everything I’ve tried so hard to sleep on. What hurts the most is… loosing faith in me. Am I strong enough to get up and fight it back? Is it worth fighting for? Maybe its time that I accept defeat. Why do I let the others play with me? Why am I accepting things I don’t agree with?

One shock after the other and the pressure that I can’t console. I get up early and go to the office, like every other day since I feel this darkness. It’s funny how I so don’t feel like doing anything. And it’s hilarious how the tears are watering my eyes and I can’t show it to anyone. People say – give it time. But I don’t have the fucking time!! I have nothing left to give, especially not to myself. Coz I don’t feel myself anymore. I don’t know myself anymore. What do I feel? Its not love. It’s not longing. Its just pain that’s gnawing my gut to pieces. The pain that’s evaporating when I’m squeezing the poison out of my heart. I cant work. I cant sleep. I don’t eat.

I have this picture in my head. It’s about the Ideal that never existed… and it’s me not existing anymore. My mind is screening my view to the world. Everything that used to make me happy is gone. All I see is concrete and chaos I’ve created to hide from reality. This is the pain I know how to cope with. Physical pain… I have pills for that and self-control. Not like emotional crap! My feeling keep on slipping away and I can’t control them. I can’t suppress them. I feel the pressure again. I wish I could run away.

I’m like little brat that wants to believe in miracles she created in her head. That’s all I’m left with. I’ve protected that little brat! She’s still sleeping deep down inside me. Waiting to play in the world full of tears and mines. She annoys me very second if the time is now. And I don’t answer. I just keep quiet. Oh, she gets pissed! I’m sorry for her. I’m sorry I can’t give her the freedom she had for so long. She can’t understand what happened… I wish I could.
And I’m back. My mind is back. And I've decided to go away. Far away from reality, far from being serious. But everybody keeps on following me, and if u wanna catch me… go ahead. I can’t run anymore. I can’t escape. I’ll go out for a smoke, to calm down a bit. I can’t shake anymore; I’m so not in shape for all these electroshocks. I can’t even cry anymore. It’s too much of everything! Everybody wants something from me… to laugh, to love. I can’t! I fucking can’t!!! I don’t feel like feeling, even tho I know it’s nice. Even tho I know I used to know how to. Honestly… there’s not a single person by my side right now that would deserve it! What do I do when I can’t even accept myself?

I wanna feel the heartbeat, but I don’t feel a thing. I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know the warm feeling, coz I feel cold. There’s something outside that really attracts me… dark, windy. I step on the balcony and I can’t help laughing sarcastically. It all seemed so cold from the inside. It’s the middle of October and there’s warm wind that keeps the winter away. Even the weather is laughing at me. What am I left with if I can’t even relay on the rain, that’s more the ready to fall and bring out my bad mood. I have too much of bad mood in me for just one person.

I punish myself for every moment of happiness I took for granted. From now on words are just words and I’ll measure feelings by actions. First time was painful. I dunno what to do with it, don’t have the answers. Maybe I’ll open new chapter. The chapter that’s been red by everybody but me… and I’ll just end up feeling dumb. The only thing I’m left with is - I learn fast.

My mind is so fast I can barely keep the pace. How can I explain what’s going on in my head if I can’t even stop it for a sec? Fuck, I’m in my little labyrinth again! Artificial parks and fake parties. People are impersonal. With no chance to say what they really need to hear. They don’t even take the time to meet me. The fuckers just judge by the covers. Oh fuck no! I’m not like them! And I deny my existence if I’m becoming like them. I don’t wanna breathe in the world of lies and immorality. That’s not what my mom taught me! The system crushes again. Well… one step forward and three back, every day. I feel like people are looking at me, feel sorry for me but still they don’t want to get too close… like I’d bite them, like I have rabies. And I know it’s all because of the look only me and my grandpa can do. Gloomy, dark look that keeps the strangers away and makes the enemies show respect. He was torn. Is it possible I’m heading his way and I’ll be torn too?

And this is where it all ends… or maybe it begins. From here on I’m not explaining my way anymore. I don’t want people following me and get lost on the way. I don’t have the time for saving two and end up blaming me. I’ll sweep all the black thoughts up into the days that are coming and the hope remains. Hope for something that will improve me, complete me, enable me to breathe. I can trust no one, even tho I want to… but I will never. I’ll just say it to my self… ‘I trust me and all will be well’. This is where the new path starts… and its all just mine.